What a Waste of Waffle Fries

Most of the time, my posts are based strictly on my life (with a little flare at times, because who doesn’t love a little bit of a fireworks show), but on this night, I felt compelled to address this “Chick-Fil-A debacle” that seems to have closeted Christians and gay-rights supporters coming out of the wood work. Upon googling what I would hoped would be the supporting image for this post, I was delightfully surprised at how fruitful the search “Jesus Eating Chick-Fil-A” was. Sure, typing that into my browser felt a little sacrilegious, but when I think of all the things I’ve typed into my browser before (David Gallagher in 2012, Amy Winehouse No No Cat, How to Make Meth), I kind of feel like I had nothing to lose.

But I’m getting off topic; let’s talk about these heathen Christians at Chick-Fil-A. Actually, no. I’ve tried to make a firm stance not to get too political on this thing; if anyone other than people that know me read this (I’m looking at you, 46 people in Russia that randomly follow my blog), there’s no reason that anyone should know what I’m pro or con for or against. I want to talk about the politics of restauranting. You see, I have a decent amount of exposure in the restaurant business… and by that, I mean I worked at Quiznos for a couple years, and I currently wait at a small diner/cafe called Big Mike’s in Seymour. I understand these people. The last thing I want to do is discuss my political and/or religious beliefs with anyone there. I don’t need to know if Big Mike is a Taoist or not because I really couldn’t care less. We all worship at our own bath houses, so to speak. We have our demons and our beliefs, and it’s really none of my business. What I do care about is the struggle I’ve been facing in pursuit of my chicken product.
I like Zaxby’s because it’s secular and has that rustic feel. The stores usually find things that are quaintly (insert Zaxby’s location) and pin it up on the wall. They know my order and extra ranches only cost 25 cents. Sure, they’re pricey, but does it matter when you can go eat quality chicken strips (doused or not doused in your choice of five different sauces) without feeling like you have to adhere to certain specific verses from Leviticus or Romans? And then there’s Chick-Fil-A. Not nearly as convenient because they’re closed on Sundays, much more formally decorated, and has this air of pretension you don’t find at other fast food places. I get the same feeling from a Chick Fil A visit as I do when I visit any of my friends that live in West Knoxville. It’s intimidating, but damn… it’s good. That Chick-Fil-A sauce is like nectar from the gods, and by gods, I mean the Christian God. The only God. So it makes sense that Chick-Fil-A doctrine should meet up with that of the Christian religion. I’m not saying that I agree or disagree with their extracurricular stances, but if it came down to my personal stances on political matters or my ability to receive Chick-Fil-A sauce, I’m not certain which one I would choose. Sure, there’s always Zax sauce, but in a life that is already so short anyways, is there really any time to compromise on something that big?
And like most political blog posts, I’m sure that you can pick up what side of this moral debate I’m on, but in reality, eating Chick-Fil-A because of an anti-gay stance is a little extreme. It’s not like they’re making you eat a Bible, mostly because that would be sacrilegious… if anything, they’d make you eat a Qa’ran. But that’s neither here nor there. The restaurant is just trying their hardest to uphold what they believe to be the moral center of the world, no matter how twisted or elitist that world may be. And in comparison, aren’t we trying to do the same thing by supporting a world that recognizes all people as equals? We’re all fighting the same fight, if you look at it through a very vague and obscure perspective.
When I walk into a Chick-Fil-A and get my eight piece nugget meal with waffle fries, I don’t walk back to the table thinking that I’ve donated to an anti-gay stance; I walk back to the table making fun of the cashier for saying “my pleasure.” I spend the next fifteen minutes making sexual innuendos until the person I’m with reminds me that I’m 22 years old and that I need to stop. If I really cared about the underlying issues of my consumables, I would have stopped drinking Fanta years ago, as it was originally a German soda that was in production to replace Coke during World War II. By drinking Fanta, I’m not supporting the genocide of Jewish people, just like eating Chick-Fil-a does not support the prolonging of legalizing gay marriage.
In short, there aren’t that many places in the world any more that you can be without some kind of combative argument going on. Sure, it sucks that a place that makes such delicious food has such a narrow minded stance on something so trivial to the rest of us, but that’s kind of what America is about. You can be as intelligent or ignorant as you want to be, simply because that’s your freedom. I go into gas stations all the time where people say some of the most ignorant things I’ve ever heard. I still need gas, so I still go there. And when money is running a little short, or I’m looking to quench my thirst for that orgasmic combination of honey mustard, barbecue, and a dollop of mayonnaise (that’s right Chick-Fil-A… I know), I’m going to continue going to the place that provides it.
And for the record, if you want to really help push the Christian agenda and the gay rights agenda at the same time, let’s maybe focus a little more on these little assholes that are being raised into the world that believe it’s okay to target children as young as kindergarten and first grade based on their “sexual orientation.” For the record, I thought that both men and women had penises up until I was in the sixth grade… that may explain a lot. Or hell, let’s maybe look at these grown adults on the street that do the same thing… probably the same grown adults that teach their children to treat their peers like this. There are bigger fish to fry than boycotting or supporting a relatively second-rate restaurant chain when there are more active approaches we can be taking, dare I say… together, to fight wrong doing and prejudice in the world. If you’d like to talk about it more, let’s go to Zaxby’s. Not because they’re pro or anti-gay rights, but because they have this amazing Tongue Torch sauce that you just have to try.


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