The Megabus Diaries: Vol. 1

After a horrible morning of waking up and grabbing my bag that is safety pinned together, we headed to the bus station. I had a premonition this morning of children, and I immediately reconsidered even going. Our truck was a horrible combination of my morning hatred, Dad’s worry about traveling, and Mom’s awkward compensation for the high tense emotions by mentioning everything she sees out the window on the way there. After looking at the stop for fifteen minutes, we decided to part ways with Mom to wait at the stop like normal people. We found a woman and her daughter to mingle with, but they were obviously the wrong choice to sit with. You never want to sit with anyone that is too chatty, apparently. Upon boarding, we secured upper level seats in between the cast of a Tyler Perry movie and a woman with her… children.

I regret publicly announcing my glee for The Golden Girls coming on the bus television. In some weird form of psychological punishment, the driver has decided to play us the entire first season of the show. After an hour, I had the slight urge to pee, so I decided to go inspect the facilities to see what I was working with. The children were blocking it, and the portly one announced to me that he threw up in it. I noticed drying chunks on the side of the door, and when I looked at him with my you’re shitting me eyes, he gave me a coy smile, as if to say, I’m the child you saw in your vision. I will make sure he doesn’t make it back on the bus when we stop next.

The girls are still on TV.

Freedom. We’ve finally made it to the rest stop. I was beginning to shake from my desperate longing for a cigarette, or a “nic fit” as I like to call them. The driver announced that we had “dirty minutes” to get back to the bus, which I can only assume has something to do with pornography. In unison, Dad and I announced our short term goals, Dude, I need a cigarette/I gotta go piss. After a couple seconds, I devised a plan; Wendell would wait in the Wendy’s line, and I would smoke. We would tag team out for him to pee. At the smoking station, I met two friends: Chest Tattoo and Betty White. Chest Tattoo and I exchanged a knowing look and took deep inhales from our cigarettes as Betty White joined us to light up. Once I finished, I told Dad about my new friends. He responded, I bet the guy who did that woman’s tattoo is probably named Lefty or Stubs or something. We made it back on the bus with about two dirty minutes remaining; The Golden Girls, Season 1, Disc 3 has officially been started.

We’re picking up more passengers. I don’t know who thought that was a good idea, but they’re never going to know what happened on the first three discs of The Golden Girls. I’d be pissed.

One of the DVDs broke, and all the passengers looked up with hopeful eyes. I sat whispering, Please let it be Grey’s Anatomy. Nope. The driver just skipped to the next disc in the season. One woman started crying. Dad announced to the bus, Oh! This is my favorite episode. Then I got a message on OKCupid, the highlight of my day so far… I really need to reevaluate my life.

We’re all essentially catatonic. I’m beginning to believe that Jim Jones took this same approach to bring his followers together. Dad and I have allied with the woman that looks like Sally Field, the woman behind us, and possibly the token black guy. I haven’t seen Tattoo Chest or Betty White (the smoker, not the actress… I see her every time I look up) in ages. I’m worried about them. Someone came up and said they were watching movies on the lower deck. In an emotional outburst, I offered that our deck stage a coup against the bottom one; the woman lied. They’re in the same Golden Girls hell that we are. Oh, and I saw a Chick-Fil-A. I’ll never forget, Dan Cathy.

Had a weird impulse to bite the kid’s ear in front of me. I’m chocking it up to bath salts and boredom. However, in my delusional state, I have come up with a theory. Some seats have green lights over them and some have yellow. After surveying the bus, I’ve determined that the green lights are over people who have been “chosen,” kind of like LOST. The other lights are over the lost souls. For the record, the vomit twins are sitting under a yellow light.

Sitting on the metro headed toward our ride so that we can see Batman… and the whole ride was so, so worth it. Golden Girls and all.


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