In a city full of dangers and obstacles, it’s apparent to me that only the strong survive. As I stuck my leg in the metro today to stop the doors from closing, the metro began to pull away… with my leg. This place is not for the faint of heart, unless you happen to be faint of heart on the metro, in which case you’ll fit in perfectly. Everyone seems to sleep on the metro, and it’s not a big deal. All you need to do is claim a seat, then just doze off. No one really messes with one another, but if you don’t wake up, I have a theory that someone transports your body over to the green line, then you disappear into Anacostia never to be seen again. It’s kind of like the canon that gets fired when someone dies in The Hunger Games… actually, speaking of The Hunger Games (available on DVD and BluRay August 18th), let me do a little rundown of my fellow DC-… um… people. I will evaluate their skills with a Hunger Games training score from 1 to 12.
He bakes and seems to be handy with a soccer ball. He keeps his car exceptionally clean and was the first person I met going into the games… I mean, moving to DC. Well, other than Yoli and Peter, but we’ll get to that later. For comparison sake, he’s the counterpart from my district. When I get sad, sometimes we go to Target, and he decidedly chose not to eat Chick-Fil-A because we discussed the homophobic stigma that comes along with it. In terms of his fighting skill, I’m not sure how he would fare, but I have confidence that as a team, we can at least make it to the final 8. I did, however, threaten to cut his back open with a pizza cutter, and he didn’t flinch.
Training score: 9
The Woman Who Asked Me to Put Money in Her Shoe
She wasn’t too well kept, but honestly, after traversing the city for a little bit, I don’t think that’s a requirement that you have to meet. I walked upon her, laying/sitting on a small collection of stairs. She looked at me and said, Hey baby. I mean, she had me from hello. She unlaced her shoe, took if off, and held it toward me. Put mama some money in her shoe. Sadly, there was no spare money for mama to have, and she was not happy when I explained that to her. I imagine that if this had happened in a dark alley, the outcome would have ended differently. She was fierce, and obviously a DC career.
Training score: 10
Fish Sandwich, Fish Sandwich Boy
One night, in a desperate attempt to not go back to our furnitureless apartment, roommate Andrew and I decided to go to the Oriental Supermarket in search of rice noodles, followed by a brief stop at the local McDonalds. I noticed a sign that said “No Loitering. Consumption Time 30 Minutes.” This McDonald’s don’t mess. Yet in bold disregard for the obvious time restraint this McDonald’s seemed to be facing, one little boy stood proudly with the largest hand of coupons I’ve ever seen. Without looking at the cashier, he would repeat everything on the coupon, Fish sandwich for a dollar. Fish sandwich for a dollar. Fish sandwich for a dollar. McFlurry for 99 cents. The list continued on. His inability to make eye contact was precious, but that charm can only last for so long. He was the little Middle Eastern Rue, but even she wasn’t quite good enough.
Training score: 6
The “I’d Let Sebastian Bach Spit On Me” Woman
If anything can remind you that the world is much smaller than you would have ever believed, it’s got to be the fact that the same trashy people go to Kenny Chensey concerts all across the land. And on a smoke break out to the railings of what may have been the biggest arena I’ve ever been to, I met her. Who you ask? Oh, only a woman that told me that should we risk getting thrown out of the concert if she could grab Kenny Chesney’s “jewels.” She then went on to tell me that she had acquired a drumstick from a Nickelback concert, as well as a sweat/spit towel from Sebastian Bach (known famously for his brief role on Celebrity Fit Club and Gilmore Girls, and was apparently in a band as well). She followed by saying that she would let Sebastian Bach put any bodily fluids he wanted on her. Then I walked away. She wouldn’t make it far, but if Sebastian Bach were brutally bludgeoned close enough to be sprayed by his blood, she would at least go out happy.
Training score: 5
Black Man Selling Knock Off Tee Shirts
He called me fat and had poorly made tee shirts. He would die first when my fat ass would send a hatchet flying into his back.
Training score: 1
Walmart Enthusiast at Target
Another easily targeted (no pun intended) tribute would be the woman who so excitedly asked my roommate and I if we have ever been to Walmart. As we finished purchasing our cleaning supplies, she explained how it was bigger and that everything there was cheaper. If we had the time, we should check it out. As we hurried out the door, we went to his car. As we put the final items in the car, she appeared again, Oh! Long time no see, boys! How are you?! She was so excited to be there. If someone made it to her before I made it to “Black Man Selling Knock Off Tee Shirts,” she would arguably be the weakest character.
Training score: 2
The Girl I Called Fugly Slut After Too Many Tequila Shots
Sometimes people are nice, and sometimes they aren’t… kind of like Glimmer from District 2. That’s why she got killed by tracker jackers so early into the game. And for all intensive purposes, I dropped a nest of tracker jackers on someone after just one night here. My friend’s roommates decided to take me out, and after a girl walked up and loudly announced to me that she was a Marine then called me a “civilian” in the most demeaning tone ever, I was perturbed to say the least. It wasn’t until she came back with one of the roommates and deemed me “unattractive” that it happened… Are you serious right now? You are a fugly slut. And that’s why we don’t ever let Justin drink tequila in the company of strangers. I woke up on the futon the next morning, and she appeared wearing a tee shirt and panties from one of the roommate’s rooms, then stepped outside to smoke a Marlboro Red at nine in the morning. I went to the window and took her picture.
Training score: 7 (though she was skanky, it would honestly take a lot to kill someone who hasn’t already killed themselves with 9:00am Marlboro Reds)
I haven’t really been able to understand anything that he’s said since I’ve met him, but I do know that he was super enthusiastic about the fig tree that is growing outside next to our patio and that his cousin came to fix our freon. I’m going to take a far reaching guess and say that Peter is his American name. Also, he has the ability to disappear faster than anyone I’ve ever seen before… like Foxface.
Training Score: 5